i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just invented taco cereal.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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