You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
