I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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