I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
