how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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