So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
