My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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