were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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