Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
