I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
