the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
