"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
