I'm lost and stupid without you.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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