it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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