i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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