I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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