i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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