well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize