I think i sorta joined a cult last night
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
