Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
