You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
