This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
