I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
