Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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