My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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