cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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