oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
