That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
