I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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