2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i love accidental penises.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
