During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
