You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
