My cat gives me a boner
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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