i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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