Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize