idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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