Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
