Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
