Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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