Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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