This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
