My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
