God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
