Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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