Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
