she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
