He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
