So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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