remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
