Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish I only lived at night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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