I wanna bring you to show and tell
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize