I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
