A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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