The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My breasts were aching with rage.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
