ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
