sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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