they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
