You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
