My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
