His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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