so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
