Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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