I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
