The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
